1. Italian men just go for it.

Optimistic grandpas and underage virgins. Wealthy playboys, Tuscan tour bus drivers, aristocrats and gypsies are all willing to take a chance on love, usually by grabbing a handful of ass, and smacking their lips at you like spastic trout.

Whereas an American accountant who lives with his mother might think, “My chances of going to bed with a fox like Raynelle in Bankruptcy, Insolvency and Reorganization are one in 437,894,” his Roman counterpart doesn’t entertain any such negativity. “Scarlett Johansson, she is in Roma for a movie? I will pinch un bel culo and we’ll be making la dolce vita in my pants before you can say rock my rigatoni. Ciao ciao!”

2. Chocolate and red wine have charms to soothe a savage breast.

You can science-deny all you like. There is a chemical reaction at the intersection of chocolate and red wine that is incontrovertible.

Here’s a super fun experiment you can do with or without a lab partner:

Nibble a *Teuscher extra cocoa butter truffle with dark chocolate ganache filling, add one sip full-bodied Bourdeaux , and try to stop the party going on in your mouth.

*Also works with Snickers and Charles Shaw merlot. (Hey, it’s science. Who am I to argue?)

3. Boxer dogs share DNA with Winston Churchill.

This one is self-evident, but it always makes me smile. I look at the dog’s jowls and imagine him saying, with an upper crust, yet sardonic English accent, “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be a Bendlington Terrier.” Snap!

4. High heels make your legs and butt look 67.38% better.

I love a good study. My friend Brigette B. has conducted years of carefully moderated research into the phenomenon. 25 years and thousands of pairs of stilettoes later, the results are conclusive and definitive.

“The acute angle at which your foot is bent to accommodate the shoe’s architecture is in exact proportion to the way your muscles fire on all cylinders, creating a lean, taut line. They also make you look taller.”

Isn’t science the best?

5. Men do not pay attention, it is true…

…to things we think are important, such as the extra lbs. we’ve been carrying since December, a chipped Orange-is-the-New-Black pedi, or smile lines. They notice whether we are nice to them, and our breasts.

I think cup size usually takes a back seat to their mere existence and their proximity to the man. So don’t sweat the small stuff. As long as we’ve got chocolate, red wine, the Mediterranean nation of Italia and a set of boobs, we are good to go, statistically speaking. What you do when opportunity knocks is entirely up to you!

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